11 years ago today, I gave birth to a Beautiful baby girl. I named my little angel, Raviahna. I was only 17 years old, so my parents thought it would be best for my mom to keep her until I could finish school. My mom took her, and it broke my heart! I was so depressed. I have a really hard time expressing how I feel about things. It's easier for me to just break down and cry. So when my mom took her and went back to Texas, I cried every night! And I would keep a straight face, and pretend like everything was okay.
We would visit her here and there, but the trips were getting harder and harder. She would cry every night when she would come to visit. We would have to bribe her to stay another day, or just to stop crying for that matter. It was just too hard on me, seeing her like that. She was not happy at all here. So after she went back to Texas this last time, we kind of grew apart. I know some of you are thinking, what kind of mother lets her child go? But being so young, I felt like I had no other choice. But to do what my parents told me. Don't get me wrong, I think of her every second of the day. So many family members of mine, have their own opinion on what they think I should do with her. But the only person I care to hear anything from about this situation, is Nana (Raviahna)! If she wasn't happy here, I wasn't going to force it on her! I had no choice, when it came to me keeping her or not. And I will NEVER do that to her!
I called her to wish her happy birthday today. And she is just so grown. She asked me so many questions, that I knew she would eventually ask. She grew up her whole life, thinking that Nick was her biological father. So today she asked me AGAIN, why she is so much darker than Mele and Spencer. She even asked me to please be honest... I told her, that her biological father is black. And she asked me why he left? I told her, he never left. That I was the one who ran away and took her with me. She then asked, so Nick isn't my dad?? I couldn't help but break down.. again! I told her Nick will ALWAYS be her dad! When Nick and I first got together, he NEVER once judged me for having a child. He loves her as much as he loves Mele and Spencer. He seriously is the only reason I was able to get through everything when she left!
I still couldn't believe she was asking me all these questions. I was expecting these questions when she turned 16. She asked me why she doesn't live with us? I explained the whole story. Or what I could get her to understand through all my tears! And what a strong, smart, and beautiful young girl she is! She understood what she could. And she just kept telling me to stop crying, cause she doesn't hate me! But oh, how I'm hating myself right now! Why did I ever let her go for so long? I hear it enough from others, about me letting her go. Trust me, it eats at me every single day of my life! I didn't even want to blog about it, but I feel so overwhelmed with it. I had a good crying session with Nick, but I feel like no one will ever understand what I'm feeling. I want more than anything to have her back, but I would NEVER do that to my step dad. He seriously was like a second father to me! He's raised her since she was only a couple months old. It's just such a long story, that I really don't want to get into. He's her main provider and he's her dad. His life revolves around her! He is such a Great guy! All he ever asked of me, was to please let her stay and finish high school with him. And the rest would be up to her. After a lot of praying.. Nick and I, agreed. She could stay with him until she finished school. Now I'm starting to question that decision..
I'm just feeling so overwhelmed with emotions and guilt! My heart is just breaking! I just wish Nick was home!! I know, I just need to put my trust in the lord and pray about this more. But I wish it didn't hurt so bad! My sister Lala and I, will be flying out to spend a weekend with her in 2 weeks. And I can't wait to hug her and make sure she knows how much WE love her! And that she's more than welcome to come home whenever she wants!!
*Mommy LOVES you so much Nana! You have no idea how big of a blessing you are to us!! Happy Birthday Beautiful!!